There are two things that have happened in the last few days that have shown me that even though I haven't beaten "the darkness" ,the meds are at least beginning to work.
Yesterday, I was able to spend the day thinking of my gnome with a great amount of love and thanking God over and over again for bringing him into my life. Through everything, I have always loved the gnome with all my heart but when my mind is in "the darkness", I think that he deserves better than me and that he should move on...he does get upset when I verbalize this.
The second thing that happened wasn't as nice...on Thursday night our refrigerator started making an odd buzzing noise. We knew that was never good but crossed our fingers and took the wait-and-see approach. This morning I was woken up by gremlin #2 telling me that the fridge smelled funny. When I went to investigate, I discovered that it was completely dead and all of our food had spoiled over night.
Now, I would be lying if I said I was happy about this but I was at least able to keep my cool and not freak out. If this had happened a month ago, I would be a TOTAL basket case. Things aren't completely better...but I will take the baby steps where I can get them.
As always, to be continued...........
DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING POST WILL BE FULL OF MUSH AND GUSH...DON'T SAY YOU WEREN'T WARNED..LOL
Today is a very special day here. It was 5 years ago today that the gnome and I made the decision to share our lives. The picture that is the header of my blog is a picture of my river. Although you can't see it, there is a bench there just to the right of the lighthouse. It was on that very bench that the gnome asked me to marry him. This river has always been my favourite place on earth. Before I met the gnome, it was the place I would run to when things were just too heavy to bare....and I would hide there when I was young(and trying to avoid going home).
On our first date, I took the gnome there. I wanted to share this place with him. It was my way of opening the door to my heart just a little bit. He listened and remembered how much it meant to me. Now it means even more to me because we had our first real kiss there...he told me he loved me there for the very first time...and 5 years ago today, he took me there and asked me to be his wife. I remember that day like it was yesterday...and it is a memory I will cherish always.
That was the beginning of a journey that has certainly had it's ups and downs. The road has not always been an easy one but I know without a doubt there is no one on this earth I would rather be travelling it with. I would not have made it through these last weeks without my gnome. He has been my strength and such a wonderful support. He listens to me whenever I need to talk, holds me when I need to cry..and loves me unconditionally, even when I don't deserve it. I do not know how he has stuck with me these last 5 years, but I am so very glad he did!!!
To my beloved gnome,
You are my heart and soul and everything I need in this life.
I love you unconditionally and endlessly for the rest of my life and beyond. I am so lucky to be your wife and so grateful for all of your love and support.
My heart is yours forever and always in this life and beyond.
As always, to be continued...........
I have tried hard to lighten things up around here alot this last week.... I have made a special effort to make my posts a little more humorous or comical...for those that don't want to read about the "darkness" shouldn't read on...please come back tomorrow as I have a mushy gushy post planned..lol
Right now I am sitting here shaking my head. I have been on the new meds for 2 weeks now....and was warned by the pharmacist that often it takes 4-6 weeks before they can really kick in and start to help....so I am trying to be patient and just hang in there.
It was such an incredibly hard decision to decide to start these meds...one I struggled with and put off for months thinking that if I could just hang on, I would be able to pull myself out of it on my own. As the months wore on and I felt myself sinking further into the darkness a very dear, sweet friend encouraged me to take the step that I had been dreading so much...and I knew she was right. I knew the gnome and gremlins deserved better than the nut case they were dealing with everyday...and deep down a small part of me felt I deserved better too.
Those of you that have read this blog know how very much I love my Mom... continuing to miss her after we moved has been one of the problems. Part of the reason that I was afraid to start these meds was because I felt she would think I was being stupid or weak. When I started the meds. I wasn't even going to tell her about it...but I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt ,so I did. I was STUNNED at her reaction. She was actually very supportive and that made me feel sooooo much better.
I love my Mom...more than words will ever express. I have certainly seen her at her best AND her worst. As an adult, this has allowed me to be closer to her. That being said, she was raised to believe that medication wasn't the solution in a situation like this...that you should just suck it up and get control of yourself...she has always acted that way.
I have been trying sooooooo hard to fight against this darkness and not let it win. I have spent the last week running from it...trying to force myself to be more positive and hide how I am really feeling..thinking that if I could just keep this up until the meds took over then maybe things would be ok.
My mom just called me a little while ago for a quick chat. After she asked how I was doing, I explained that I am having some side effects from the new meds that are preventing me from sleeping. I talked to the pharmacist yesterday who said to tough it out for now but if this continues, we will have to try something else.
My mom's reaction to this???
" Well ,why don't you just stop taking them. It isn't like you need them or anything."
Thanks so much Mom for reminding me why I didn't want to tell you in the first place. Right now I don't even know why I am bothering to even try to fight.
As always, to be contined.................
I had an conversation last night with the gnome that stuck with me and sorta worked it's way into becoming this post.
It started because we watched the season finale of CSI:Miami which we both love. We were both shocked to see Hiratio get shot but we both feel confident he will be fine. That show would be NOTHING without him...
One thing that all of the CSI series have is their "one liners" at the beginning of the show (usually when the dead person of the week has gotten the episode underway). I think that Hiratio is the best at these...and talking about this got me thinking about other shows and movies that have had a famous one-liner that has been , in my mind at least, unforgetable. These are lines that not only make me remember the movie but often takes me back to the first time I saw it.
The following is a list of some of these that I consider memorable:
1) "oh, Auntie Em, there's no place like home."
2)"frankly my dear , I don't give a damn..."
3)"Look, Daddy. Teacher says, every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings."
4) "Love means never having to say you're sorry. "
5)"Here's looking at you, kid. "
6)"You can't handle the truth!! "
7)"Mama always said life was like a box a chocolates, never know what you're gonna get."
8)"Houston, we have a problem "
9)"ladies and gentlemen take my advice...pull down your pants and slide on the ice."
10)"Live long and prosper." ( this one I added for Corky..lol)
Do you know where these quotes came from?? Did I miss any that you would add to this list?? I will post the answers tomorrow if anyone wants to know..lmao.
As always to be continued...........
